more and more

The more and more I sit alone in my house the more and more I think I am becoming a fucking old maid. If you don't know what I mean here.
[Old maid) is a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry, therefore has no children.]
Some may say [It is better you die an old maid than marry a man that is fast.]
But fuck this, Its been like 5 years, whats my fucking deal!
really i shouldn't care. Living alone is really doing a number on me.
Other then winter depression and anxiety. Things Iv never had. Lets look I used to be in plays when I stage in front of hundreds of people. Now one year later I start having panic attracts, not to mention i drink more then a fish.
I really have no idea how this all happened in about 2 months.
Really Im just really sick of being alone, lonely, I miss my mother more then ever.
Coming to realization that my father is really dead id the hardest thing I think I have ever done. 3 going on 4 years. Still not being able to go through most of his thing sucks. Some times hes the only person I want for the fact he was the one teaching me life long lessons like getting arrested for drunk driving with no shoes on.Or turning my Barbie car in to a mini race car that I couldn't drive because it was to fast. I want to ask him more questions everyday.